Olympic Games + NYC = Sheer Heaven!

Deputy mayor Daniel L. Doctoroff presented a 562-page bid book to the press today, unveiling many of the city’s specific plans to win over the IOC for the 2012 games. NYC will be competing for the games with Paris, London, Madrid, and Moscow.

I, for one, am campaigning hard for NYC and cant wait to see the games! Think of all the fun we’ll have. I mean I LOVE commuting every morning and being pressed up against people on the subway who may or may not: have showered in the last 2 weeks / be a serial killer / grab my ass / spill their coffee on me / recite passages from the Bible to themselves. I cant wait until our already overcrowded public transportation system is inundated with an extra 2 million visitors in the spirit of International Sportsmanship and Cooperation. Which brings me to what HASN’T been mentioned. Securing our quaint little city. I mean its not as if we live under constant threats of terrorism or anything! To secure us they would have to be such hard asses that entire countries wouldn’t be allowed to participate (that actually may depend on which way the wind is blowing at the White House in 2012).

Ok, ok. I wont go on and on about security. I am sure they have it under control. And besides, who can think about security when there are such great little perks to the games! The Olympic village will be “quiet and peaceful… athletes will appreciate the freshness of purified air and water, smart elevators in their spacious apartments, high speed internet connections in their rooms and... outside a free beauty salon staffed by some of New York’s top stylists.” First of all, there is no such thing as purified air in NYC. I don’t know what the hell a smart elevator is so I cant comment. But beauty salons?? That’s the reward we offer athletes who work their whole lives to get here? An over priced hair cut from some New York asshole stylist?? Who THINKS of these things? If we have to go the fluff route, how about offering massages for their freaking aching limbs and muscles? As you can see, the NYC PR machine will be in overdrive. Every night “the Olympic rings will be projected in the night sky, like the Batman signal.” Ahhh... pretty lights. Makes it all better. I wonder if that's to make up for the lack of visible stars in the sky.

Events in NYC:

Beach Volley Ball will be held in the new Williamsburg Waterfront Park where competitors will play against the “spectacular Manhattan skyline.” Though, like everything in NYC, there is a trade off for such views. The new Williamsburg Waterfront Park is to be built on the old Eastern District Rail Terminal, which admittedly “currently suffers from industrial contamination.” The New York Olympic Committee would like to advise players that it would be best to keep your actual contact with the sand to a minimum… unless the idea of growing a third eye seems interesting or fun to you.

Mountain biking in Staten Island. I’ve been there…yes, to Staten Island… and I am not sure world class athletes who have trained their entire lives to participate in the Olympics will be very happy about their trails. I mean NYC obviously cant offer the French Alps like the Tour de France, but I don’t think cyclists will be impressed biking around Nuevo Riche mafia houses with gaudy gold statues in their lawns, mapping their course through the hundreds of nail salons and strip clubs, and dodging the abundance of Camaro’s and IROC-Z’s on the road.

The Olympic sport of shooting will be held at the newly built “Pelham Bay Olympic Shooting Center” in the Bronx. And once the Olympics are over, the Bronx will have a state of the art shooting range! Because everyone in the Bronx could surely use some more target practice. Let’s make sure they hit their mark every time from now on. Thanks IOC! In exchange for this community service, NYC is prepared to offer guided tours of Hunts Point to any athletes that miss their spouse… or anyone that really loved the HBO special Hookers at the Point and Hookers at the Point II: Going Out Again, although we cant promise Angel, "the School Teacher", will be working.

So as you can see, the Olympics in NYC is obviously a great idea! I wish I could go to sleep, wake up and have it be 2012!! Cause I will have gotten as far away as possible from this Olympic infested city. God speed Paris, London, Madrid and Moscow. Please kick our ungrateful asses. You are more used to Eurotrash tourists anyway.